The Funniest Things, Facts, and Jokes of Chuck Norris

In 7 minutes ago, I just was surfing and found something funniest things about Chuck Norris . and here I just want to share about the facts, jokes, and cool stuffs from a unique person, Chuck.Norris , Okay, Let's relax and take a coffee break with Chuck Norris's Jokes

Chuck Norris's Facts!

• Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.


• When Chuck Norris wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
• Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.
• Chuck Norris uses redhot lava to moisturize his skin.
• Chuck Norris invented the apple.
• Chuck Norris Buillt Mount Everest with a bucket and spade.
• Chuck Norris does not age. Every birthday, it’s just another year added to his existence, which sucks for you.
• Chuck Norris does not have chest hair, he has millions of highly venomous nematocysts. You have virtually no chance of surviving the venomous sting, unless treated immediately. The pain is so excruciating and overwhelming that you would most likely go into shock and collapse a split second before getting hit in the face with a roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris can chug a gallon of milk and not throw up.
• Chuck Norris beat the Sun in a staring contest.
• If you get roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris in your dream, you DIE!
• Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.
• Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.
• Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What’s that? You say there’s no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn’t think so either.
• Chuck Norris CAN lick his elbow.


• Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.
• “One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, ‘I’m Chuck Norris! SAY IT!’ Then he manipulates the deer’s lips in such a way as to make it say, ‘ChuckNorris’ … It wasn’t exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!’”
• People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.
• When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
• Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.
• Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT’s, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.
• Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
• Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.
• Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.
• Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.
• When somebody yells “Last one in is a rotten egg,” Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.
• Chuck Norris invented the question mark.
• Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.
• Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.
• Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.
• Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
• If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare
• Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
• Chuck Norris’ beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
• The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
• Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
• Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
• Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.
• Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!
• Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those “some people” are now dead.
• When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don’t say “Atchoo” he says “DIE EVERYONE!!!”. That’s what happens next.
• Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.
• P is for Chuck Norris, as is every other letter of the alphabet.
• Chuck Norris puts the FUN in Funeral.
• Chuck Norris’ paradise is war.
• Chuck Norris is capable of photosynthesis.
• Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. He can NEVER be surprised. EVER.
• Chuck Norris does not love Raymond.
• Chuck Norris can lick his own elbows. At the same time.
• Chuck Norris can kick start a car.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
• Chuck Norris wrote an autobiography….it was just a list of everyone he has killed.
• Einstein’s original Theory of Relativity was; if Chuck Norris kicks you, your relatives will feel it.
• Bigfoot takes pictures of Chuck Norris.
• As seen in Sidekicks, Chuck Norris can climb a rope with one hand, and one hand only.
• Chuck Norris does not dance. He roundhouse kicks to the beat.
• Chuck Norris can MAKE water run uphill.
• Chuck Norris can hold Puff Daddy down.
• The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth… then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
• Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap.
• Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully load gun and won.
• The only reason the color pink still exists is because Chuck Norris is color blind.
• Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
• Chuck Norris isn’t afraid of Urban Legends, he is an Urban Legend.
• Chuck Norris once played 18 holes of golf using a 12 inch strip of rebar and a sun dried tomato. He shot a 54.
• On the Asian market, Chuck Norris’ urine is worth $400 per fluid ounce.
• See spot. See spot run. See spot get round house kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
• Niagra Falls is the result of one of Chuck’s legendary cannon balls.
• Chuck Norris sneezes electricity.
• Chuck Norris performs colonoscopies on himself.
• If you were killed by Chuck Norris, your tombstone would read RIP, ripped into pieces.
• Chuck Norris’ smile once brought a puppy back to life.
• You know he jumped off the Empire State Building this one time and he only sprained his ankle.
• Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident….and still managed to walk it off.
• Contrary to popular belief the Lottery numbers are not random. They are just the number of people Chuck Norris killed that given day.
• Chuck norris invented the corndog.
• The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris’ agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
• Chuck Norris IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
• Chuck Norris understands the ending of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
• Chuck Norris belives the hype.
• Chuck Norris CAN in fact stop the beat.
• When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
• When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.
• Chuck Norris speaks in all caps.
• Chuck Norris delivers more male with one thrust of his pelvis than the U.S. Postal Service and the Pony Express have combined for the last 146 years.
• Chuck Norris wasn’t born with feet, just boots.
• Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.
• When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.
• Chuck Norris floats like a butterfly and stings like a tomahawk missile. At mach 3. In the face.
• Chuck Norris can dribble a football.
• Chuck Norris’ IQ can be expressed simply as a sideways eight
• Chuck Norris is a stunt double for Optimus Prime.
• Chuck Norris was once asked to repeat himself. The last thing that person ever heard was the wooshing sound of a roundhouse kick.
• Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
• Chuck Norris had his tonsels removed with a chainsaw.
• Chuck Norris digs graves with a shoe horn.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops. Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply…Chuck Norris Chuck Norris wears Orion’s Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper. Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it. Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur’s court. He was known as Sir Beatdown. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming. Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby. Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet. Before sliced bread, people used to say “Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris”. But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices. Chuck Norris’s sweat has burned holes in concrete. The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time. There is no Control button on Chuck Norris’ computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox. There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris. Earth’s emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands. On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000 The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma. When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer…10 new facts were added instantly.including this one You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish. Chuck Norris is ” The best a man can get ” On Valentine’s Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine’s Day. Scientists believe the world began with the “Big Bang”. Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a “bad case of gas”. Chuck Norris let the dogs out. Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of “the best damn espresso on Earth”. Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow. Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about! Chuck Norris don’t open no can of whoopass. He makes his own. Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit. Chuck Norris’s body temperature is 98.6 degrees… Celsius. The world’s fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris. The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris’s sweat. The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris’ left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard. When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn’t have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money. In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device. When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon. The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn’t want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.